


Trials and tribuations of the Next Generation

by MJW



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Harry Potter Next Generation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, James Sirius Potter is two years younger than Teddy, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29610180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MJW/pseuds/MJW
Summary: James was gay. Dom was damaged. Freddie was tired. Rose was late. Lily was bored.
Relationships: Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter
Kudos: 4





	Trials and tribuations of the Next Generation

November 2011

James realised that he was different from his classmates in Second year. While they were all starting to notice girls, James wasn’t. He instead noticed how fit Carl Edwards had gotten over the summer. James felt a rising panic that threatened to turn into sick. What was wrong with him? Why wasn’t he crushing not so secretly on girls? Why was he noticing how fit some of the Seventh Year boys were? Hell, he noticed how fit his Fourth Year godbrother was. ‘No, this is wrong’ he thought.

Hot tears began to stream down his face. What was the matter with him? Why did he feel this way? Under normal circumstances, James would have written a letter to his dad, but this was anything but normal. In all his twelve years, which admittedly was not a long time, he had never felt this amount of shame, this amount of-of disgust. 

James sank to the floor, boiling tears spilling over his cheeks. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t **breathe**. Why couldn’t he breathe? What was the matter with him? Why wasn’t he normal? What was wrong with him. Voices floated towards him. Oh God, please don’t come in, please, please. No one needed to see this. No one. The voices were getting louder, and louder. The door was flung open, or at least James thought it was, he couldn’t be sure. The voices were much louder now. Someone mentioned getting Professor Longbottom. 

Oh God, no! No! Don’t get Professor Longbottom, he’d only tell James’s dad and that was the last thing that he needed. What would his Dad say? Would he get thrown out? On God, where would he live? None of his family would take him in. He was already a disappointment, Mum and Dad told him that he was an accident that had thrown them into parenthood. Could he live with Jemima? No, she would hate him once she knew. Oh God, would he get expelled? He was so disgusting! No one would want to be around him. Absolutely no one!

James felt a firm hand on his shoulder, he looked up to see the kind face of Professor Longbottom. He was saying something, but James wasn’t listening, no he was trying, but he couldn’t hear him. Was he going deaf? James’s eyes widened as he went through a million scenarios in his head over what that meant. Then, black.

James opened his eyes to see the stark white walls of the hospital wing. Oh great, his parents would have been informed if he went into the hospital wing. He saw a shock of red hair in the chair next to him, with a hand covering his. His Mum. He thought about saying something, but didn’t. She would ask what happened. He didn’t want to tell her. She would be disgusted. If not about his feelings towards girls (or lack thereof) then his… his crush on his Godbrother. A shuffling snapped James out of his thoughts. 

“Hey Jamie,” his Mum smiled tentatively “what happened love?” 

“I-I don’t- I don’t know,” James looked down “one minute I was- I- I was panicking about something and the next I couldn’t breathe,” 

“You had a panic attack, love.” His Mum said “do you know what caused it?”

James shrugged, he did know, of course he did. He wouldn’t tell his Mum though. She would hate him. He couldn’t deal with that, not then, not ever he thought. So he didn’t tell her and instead, let her climb onto the bed and hug him so tightly that he thought his ribs would snap. He closed his eyes and let the lavender scent of his Mum send him to sleep.

* * *

August 2012

James looked out of the car window. It was pouring, ‘a bad omen’ he thought. Since that November night, James had kept having panic attacks. Madame Pomfrey suggested that they get James a mind healer after he had been sent to the hospital wing for the fifth time and had even recommended one for James to go to. His parents had agreed, seeing as James hadn’t told anyone what he was having panic attacks about. 

“Mr Potter?” James got up without a word to anyone. 

James followed the healer into her office, which was covered in books and had a flag with two different colours of orange, two different colours of pink and one of white in a horizontal strip. James had no idea what it was, but was far too shy to even think about asking. 

“Mr Potter, I am required to tell you that anything you say in here will not be repeated unless I think you are a danger to yourself or others,” James’s head snapped up at the words spoken.

“You mean, you won’t tell my parents?” James asked hesitantly. 

“No I won’t,” the healer said gently. 

James hesitated. Would she hate him? Would she tell anyway? He didn’t know what to say or do. How do you start a conversation like that? Would she make him tell his parents or would she not?

In a surge of bravery James said “I think I like boys instead of girls”

“I’m sorry James, I didn’t quite catch that,” 

It all came pouring out then “I think I like boys and I don’t know what to do because I like my Godbrother which is just wrong but I can’t help it and I don’t know what do do and I’m scared that my parents will hate me and that everyone will be disgusted and I’ll get thrown out. I know that caused my panic attack and then they just kept happening and yeah,” he finished lamely.

“Well James, you see that flag on my desk?” James nodded “well that means that I like girls instead of boys, do you think I’m disgusting?” The healer asked.

James shook his head. 

“Then why is it any different for you?” the healer prompted.

“I don’t know,” 

“That's ok, you don't have to tell anyone until you're ready. Now! Let's give you some techniques to deal with your panic attacks,” the healer said, changing the subject.

* * *

December 2015

James sat down at one of the three tables that adorned the Burrow’s living room. Everyone seemed to be talking about Al and if he was excited to begin Hogwarts in the Autumn. James didn't really know why. They weren't even halfway through the year yet. James felt some one come too near. He sucked in a breath and pulled his shirt sleeves down. No one knew and he would like to keep it that way. 

“JAMES!” James snapped out of his reverie only to find tears slipping down his face. God, he was such a wimp.

He felt the need to cut. He needed to. He had to. He tried to ignore the urge and listen to Molly (junior, that is) but he couldn't. His voice was singing to him that he was a screw up and why was he so messed up. He felt blood drip off his hands as his nails dug into his hands. It would do. For now. What was he supposed to be doing? Right! Listening to Molly. 

He tried listening to his yearmate and cousin who was talking about something that he probably should know, she seemed to be looking at him for agreement. Shit! Nod! Nod! Nod! You idiot! Nod! Finally James nodded and Molly launched right back into her story, not noticing a single fucking thing. That however, didn't go for the rest of the table as Teddy and Vic looked at him. James gave his friends what he hoped was a reassuring smile but was more like a grimace. God, why was he so weak?

Molly was still telling her fucking story and James couldn't take it. He ran and ran until he could breathe. He thought he heard people come after him but he couldn't be sure, he never was. Not over his grades, not over his opinions or anything for that matter.

He found himself by the old willow tree that he had gone to so many times in the past. It was Teddy who found him. James wanted to run again but couldn't find the energy to get up from his rather, admittedly, uncomfortable perch. Teddy stumbled over to him. James could feel hot tears forcing their way down his face. Why was he like this? 

“Hey,” Teddy panted “what happened?”

“Don't Teddy, just don't,”

“Why not?” James shot up.

“Because I’m not worth the fucking trouble! I'm messed up Teddy. So fucking messed up. I- I can't even control my own mind! I can't anymore Teddy, I just can't.” Teddy didn't like where this was going.

“What do you mean James?” Teddy winced in anticipation.

“Life! Teddy, life! I can't! I can't! I can't!” James slid down the tree, tears mixing with snot. James had never felt more ashamed.

James then saw Teddy look at something on his arm. He followed the older man’s gaze to see a trickle of blood poking through his shirt.

“Shit,” James put his head in his hands.

“Jamie? Please let that not be what I think it is,” Teddy asked tears now rolling down his face. 

“What do you want me to tell you Teddy? Hm? That I slipped with a knife when I was cutting fucking vegtables for tea? That I was slammed into a wall?” 

“I want the truth,” Teddy told him, looking James dead in the eyes.

“Oh ok, so you want to know that I fucking score my arms every time I feel like a screw up, which by the way is every fucking day! That I’m gay and can’t bare to be out to anyone because they’ll fucking hate me? That I have this constant panic that crushes my chest? That most of the time I’m lost in my fucking head? That I love you? In a way that no one should love their godbrother? That most of the time I see the family and they look so fucking perfect and that they would be better off without me? Is that the goddamn truth you wanted?” James looked at Teddy and saw shock and…. Relief?

“Did you say that you… love me?” Teddy would be disgusted but James still found himself nodding “I love you too,” and then added “and not in a brotherly way.”

James wanted to be happy but that fucking voice in his head told him this was all an elaborate prank and Teddy was lying and he should off it. No one liked him anyway. James started to sob. Why wouldn’t the voice stop? He could have sworn that he felt Teddy come and hug him tightly but he doubted he could feel anything. All or nothing after all right? Teddy was saying something. He could be sure of that. James attempted to listen but his brain wouldn’t do anything. He could hardly see or feel. But at the same time, could feel everything all at once. Teddy was yelling, he thought. He still couldn’t hear anything. A familiar blackness embraced him like an old friend.

Shouting was the first thing he could hear when he came round. He was still outside, he could feel the sharp grass poking him in an uncomfortable way that only happened when you lay on it. Dried tears that tightened his face told him that he had been out for at least a few minutes. As he continued to wake up, James recognised the yelling to be Teddy and Vic. He wanted to tell them to stop but his voice hadn’t seemed to wake up yet and he didn’t want to appear like a child wanting his parents to stop fighting. They weren’t the only ones there apparently seeing as a head of vibrant Weasley red hair was leaning over him. It couldn’t be his parents because they would have immediately floo’d him to St Mungos. Same with the rest of the adults. Finally he recognised it to be Molly. 

When she saw that he was awake, she gave him an encouraging smile that made him feel like crying, again. For once the voice wasn’t in his head and James held his breath, waiting for it to return; it didn’t. For now at least. Teddy and Vic were still shouting, now at the top of their lungs. James, now able to focus, listened.

“Teddy! We need to tell someone!” 

“I know but he needs to TRUST us before we do anything,” James knew they were fighting about him “if we do this without his permission then we could send him down an even darker path than he’s on now!”

“I do believe that James can make his own decisions,” Molly put in before Vic could say anything.

Teddy and Vic turned to him and without the voice in his head James could think straight. He could debate and feel like he could slow down time, when before time sped up and he was lost thinking for hours or days barely looking up. Now he was debating, thinking with his usual precision. The elation that came with no voice wasn't worth the risk of returning. Besides, he knew that it would be temporary and it would take hard work to get into a good place again.

“I’ll tell them,” he said after a few minutes. “It needs to come from me. But will you be there? You've all helped me. Or tried to at least.” 

James could feel their nods and Vic’s eyes welled with tears and she ran over and hugged her best friend.

“Oh I've missed you James,” she told him and it occurred to him that his downward spiral hadn't affected him and him alone.

* * *

January 2016

“Mum? Dad? Can I talk to you?” Ginny and Harry looked up to see their son, Teddy, Vic and Molly standing in front of them.

“Yes, love, always,” Ginny said, eyes flicking briefly to her husband.

They all sat at the kitchen table, Ginny and Harry on one side hands clasped and the ‘kids’ on the other. Teddy stood behind James with a hand on his back, grounding him and Molly and Vic each had a hand encased in theirs.

“Okay, I don't really know how to start.” James said, taking a breath.

“The beginning is always a good place,” Ginny gently asked. 

“Yeah, okay, so if we're starting at the beginning then I guess it started in November of Second Year. You remember mum? I went to the hospital wing,” James saw recognition in his mum's eyes. “Well I lied when I said I didn't know. I did.” Ginny and Harry sat up. “I knew exactly what caused it, but it didn't cause the rest of them, it was the catalyst.” James took a deep breath “it was the day when I realised I liked boys instead of girls,” James saw confusion on his parents faces “I didn't know the term was gay, but after I saw that mind healer I did some research and found that the term gay fit me the best,” 

Ginny’s eyes welled up with tears as James went on to tell the rest of it. Harry put his arm around his wife but didn't say anything. They needed to let James finish and then address what had been said. James told them if the voice, which still hadn't returned but he dreaded the day it did, the self harm, the suicidal thoughts, all of it. 

“James, when we inadvertently told you that you were a mistake,” James winced, that was a sore spot and had been the elephant in the room for a long time, “our wording was all wrong. We meant that you were a happy surprise that forced us to clean up our lives,” Harry told his oldest son. “We weren't in a good place James. The house was a dump, we were drinking and using. We were messed up James. Doing stupid shit.” Ginny gave Harry a stern look.

“He gets his tongue from you, you know?” Ginny muttered.

“We were still married. But we did what we wanted and fell into bed together every night. Drunk and high, every night. Gin was nearly fired from the Harpies and I didn't have a job, at the time I was in no place to get a job. Ron and Hermione did their best. As did your aunts, uncles and grandparents but ultimately it was you that got our arses into gear because we wanted our children to grow up loved. You saved us Jamie,” James looked shocked, his dad hadn't called him that in years.

The other three looked visibly uncomfortable but James was glad that his friends were there. It made him feel loved. He and his parents (and his friends) talked for hours about how they were going to address his issues. In the end, it was agreed that James would meet with a mind healer once a week outside of school, starting from Easter and during term time James would meet with a trusted adult (which would likely end up being Neville) and they would talk about anything that James wanted to and Harry and Ginny wouldn’t be informed unless James was in danger. Vic and Molly also said that they would look out for him as they usually tried. The only struggle with that was the different houses Vic was in Ravenclaw, Molly in Hufflepuff and James in Gryffindor. 

* * *

July 2017

James and Molly almost jumped off the train in their excitement. They were sad of course, but it was the beginning of the rest of their lives and the pair couldn’t wait. James looked around to see the signature Weasley hair and when he spotted it, he grabbed Molly’s arm and pulled her over to the Weasleys. James’s little sister, Lily, launched herself into his arms as soon as he was near enough and James hugged his little sister tightly before subjecting himself to his parents' questions: “how was being head boy?” “how was Al getting on?” “was he ok?” 

“Right, I’m guessing you and Molly are going to Teddy and Vic’s?”Ginny asked only to receive identical nods.

Less than an hour later, the pair were at Teddy and Vic’s flat drinking (not for the first time, James will admit).

“Come on Mols let's leave lover boys over here to sort things out,” Vic held out her hand and Molly took it, being dragged not for the first time, into Vic’s bedroom.

James took a swig of whiskey and passed the bottle to Teddy. He took it without a word and also took a swig. They needed to not be totally sober for this.

“So, we waited, like we agreed. What now?” James asked.

“Well, we both feel the same way and it’s legal now so do you want to take it slow?” Teddy asked looking down.

James walked over to Teddy and gently tilted his head up and kissed him softly, letting Teddy decide where this was going. Teddy deepened the kiss and pulled James into his lap. James felt safe and loved. Teddy would take care of him. James knew the future wouldn’t be sunshine and rainbows all the time, but what life was? With Teddy and his friends and family he knew that he could face anything.


End file.
